By Francisco Dao
I imagine it’s a byproduct of the confidence that often comes with
success, but I’ve noticed a difference in the way successful people
carry on conversations as opposed to those who are less accomplished. In
a nutshell, they pay attention.
This might seem like I’m
pointing out the obvious or belaboring Interpersonal Skills 101. But in
the real world, most people seem to have lost the ability to pay
attention and have an actual conversation with the person standing in
front of them. It’s as if they’re afraid of missing out on whatever else
might be happening in the room, so half of their attention is always
elsewhere. Or they’re so easily distracted that trying to talk to them
plays out like someone conducting multiple chat sessions.
At the
risk of sounding like a class-conscious snob, keep in mind I’m just a
regular guy who is fortunate enough to have a wide range of friends,
here are some of the differences in how my “regular” friends interact as
opposed to my more successful friends.
1. Regular people will
stop a conversation to pose for pictures. For regular people, a camera
is like the magic watch that stops time. Whip one out, and they’ll
forget everything they’re doing to pose for the shot. I can’t even think
of a time when my more successful friends stopped what they were doing
to take a picture. For them, the conversation was all that mattered. If
anything, they avoid photos.
2. In a crowded room, regular
people will flit about trying to talk to as many people as possible. I
think they’re afraid of missing somebody. Successful people are usually
much more comfortable talking to just a few people throughout the course
of an evening and don’t worry much about who they’re missing.
3.
Successful people are not only willing and able to have one-on-one
conversations, they often find this preferable. I recently hosted a
small dinner that was supposed to be a party of six, but two people
dropped out late, and it turned into a party of four. Instead of being a
problem, the interactions that evening were largely divided further
into two one-on-one conversations. In contrast, regular people tend
towards thinking, “the more the merrier.” I have one friend who is
constantly inviting random people to join for lunch or dinner. I have to
tell him, “I came here to hang out with you, not a bunch of random
jokers.”
4. Successful people always wrap up their
conversations. A while back a friend of mine asked me how a regular guy
like me was able to befriend and earn the trust of successful people.
It’s not like I have any money or anything obviously valuable to offer
them. Before I could answer, she got distracted and wandered off. She
never got the answer, although if she’s reading this post she has the
answer now.
5. Regular people seem to have much more difficulty
ignoring their cell phone. When I think back through the dinners and
conversations I’ve had with my successful friends, incessant cell phone
checking has never been a problem. Meanwhile, my regular friends can’t
stop. By checking your phone, you’re essentially telling the person in
front of you that whatever text, tweet, or email you’re reading is more
important than they are. Think about how insulting that is.
Whatever
advice you’ve read about the importance of paying attention, multiply
it by five. It matters that much. In fact, assuming you’re reasonably
interesting and can hold up your end of a conversation, it’s the only
thing that matters. Random jokers might be willing to work to keep your
attention but important people won’t. They have better things to do and
they’re not going to keep talking to you or act like a performing monkey
trying to keep you engaged if you can’t stay focused.
As I said
at the beginning, some of you are probably thinking, “this is all
obvious, I didn’t need to read this.” But the next time you’re out at
some event or dinner, notice how many people are guilty of these
transgressions. If you want to be taken seriously, then you need to
treat the person standing in front of you with respect. And that starts
with paying attention.
